Sublime to Ridiculous: Chess

I like chess. It's a fact. You can even look in my blogger profile if you really want to. I'm not sure how good I am at it, but I do enjoy it quite a bit. One of the best things is getting to hang out with friends in a big, fancy hotel in some exotic niche of the United States (namely not Tucson). And at a discounted price! I'll admit that chess isn't a very social game. But, to accommodate the more advanced players, there can be sometimes 2-3 hours in between games when you are free to just relax with your friends in a fancy hotel. Or start working on that suitcase of homework you brought with you. It is a very intellectually challenging game, with a lot of time to have fun outside of the tournament room. That's fun, right?

But really, what is chess? Someone decides (or is forced to by custom) to organize this chess tournament. So, what does he do? First they assure the owners of the school or hotel where it will be held that the kids will not tear the building apart this year. Next, they send invitations and notices to every chess club within an acceptable range (which happens to get bigger as the tournament gets more important), hoping to get more rowdy children and grumpy old men than last year.

So then the day of the tournament comes. It must start reasonably early so it doesn't take the whole day, but even so many large tournaments last for three or four days. And then the people directing the tournament shut all of these sleepy people into a enclosed auditorium or gym, with more than 300 other people and tell them to be quiet and play their games. So each pair of two goes on different sides of a square board with even more squares painted on it based on what color piece he/she was assigned (either white or black). Then they very carefully arrange their wooden/plastic pieces in a certain starting position. They shake their opponent's hand, and start a possibly 3-4 hour game. Some games between advanced players have a $100-$200 clock to keep track of how much time has passed while it was each person's turn. The only words they are allowed to say are: “Check”, “Adjust”, and when someone wins that particular game, they may proudly proclaim “Checkmate”, followed by a hand shake.

After a large tournament, there is a lengthy award ceremony for the people who won the most games. This consists of about an hour of handing out cheap, plastic trophies. Even if you will not be called until the very end, you are compelled to wait through the whole thing. When your name is called, you walk up in front of a crowd of weary onlookers, who tiredly clap for you. After such a tournament, you display your largest trophies around your house to show off to all of your buddies. Sound fun?